Let’s be honest — we all want good sex. The kind that leaves you tangled up with your partner, skin warm, heart open, and feeling more like yourself than you did an hour ago.

But here’s the thing: most of us didn’t grow up learning how to get there. Not really.

For years, I thought great sex meant fireworks. Perfect chemistry. The kind of effortless flow that looks good in films but rarely shows up in real life. What surprised me most was realising that the best sex I’ve had wasn’t about performance — it was about safety, self-awareness, and being able to exhale.

What Really Makes Sex Good?

It took me a while to unlearn the idea that good sex had to look a certain way. I used to think it was all about chasing a high — the big finish, the right moves, the “wow” moments.

However, the shift occurred when I stopped trying to impress and began wanting to feel.

For me, it started with emotional safety. I remember one night — nothing fancy, no new lingerie, no big plan — just a quiet moment where I felt seen entirely. And it unlocked something. Because when you feel safe, desire stops hiding.

Have you ever wanted to ask for something in bed but swallowed it down? I have. More times than I’d like to admit. But the first time I said, “Can we try it slower?” — everything changed. We laughed, we stumbled, and I felt more connected than I ever did chasing some imagined ideal.

Pro Tip: Good sex often starts outside the bedroom. Eye contact in the kitchen. Holding hands on a walk. It’s all foreplay.

Know Your Body, Know Your Pleasure

This one took some courage. I used to feel a little awkward about solo exploration — as if it was something you did in secret, not something to be proud of.

But I remember lighting a candle one night, more out of curiosity than confidence, and just taking my time. No pressure. No goal. Just noticing what felt good. And it was… illuminating.

Learning to tune into your own body changes everything. It gives you language, confidence, and a sense of ownership. And when you do share that with a partner? It’s like giving them a treasure map — with actual directions.

Quick Win: Take ten quiet minutes for yourself. Add music if you want. Treat it like a date — with you.

Talk the Talk (Before, During, After)

I used to think communication would kill the mood — like stopping mid-movement to say something would break the spell. But actually, it deepened it.

Saying things like, “Right there,” or “Don’t stop,” helped me feel present instead of in my head. And after? Those tiny check-ins — “Did you like that?” or “What should we do differently next time?” — felt like intimacy extending beyond the bedroom.

One of my favourite moments was post-sex, lying there laughing about how awkward something had been. That laughter? That’s intimacy, too.

Pro Tip: Positive feedback is sexy. Think of it like GPS — it helps you get where you both want to go, faster and with fewer U-turns.

Foreplay Is Not Optional

For a long time, I thought of foreplay as the prelude — something to get through. However, the truth is that it is the experience.

The slow kisses in the kitchen. The playful text that made me blush at work. The way we looked at each other across a noisy pub. It all built a kind of emotional momentum that made everything feel richer.

Foreplay isn’t always about touch — sometimes it’s about teasing time.

Quick Win: Make one night all about touch. No pressure. No “goal.” Just a chance to explore and notice each other.

Relaxation Is the Hidden Key

Stress has a way of pulling us out of our bodies. I’ve had nights where I was technically “available” but couldn’t clear my mind of the to-do list. It felt like I was going through the motions.

That’s when I learned how powerful it is to slow down. Some nights, we started by just lying next to each other. No agenda. Sometimes a massage, other times just holding hands under a blanket. Desire crept back in, but softly — without pressure.

Pro Tip: Before anything physical, try deep breathing together. One inhale, one exhale. Let your nervous system catch up to your intention.

Touch, Massage, and the Power of Skin

Touch used to be the opening act — now it’s the whole show. There’s something about hands on skin, especially when they’re not rushing anywhere, that feels incredibly grounding.

I remember one night where all we did was trade massages. No sex. No expectations. And I swear I felt closer to him than after some of our most “passionate” nights.

Touch says: I’m here. I see you. You matter.

Quick Win: Swap roles — one night, you give. The next, you receive. Let it be about feeling, not fixing.

Lube Is Your Best Friend (Trust Me)

Let’s just bust this myth now: needing lube doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means you’re human.

Stress, hormones, and even timing can all affect arousal. For years, I felt a bit ashamed reaching for it, like I was failing some unspoken “natural woman” standard.

But honestly? The first time I used an excellent lube, I nearly cried with relief. It wasn’t just more comfortable — it was more fun. No pain. No hesitation. Just more ease.

Pro Tip: Find one that’s scent-free and feels like silk. Keep it nearby. It’s not a backup plan — it’s part of your toolkit.

Spice It Up — Gently

I’m not someone who needs acrobatics in the bedroom, but I do love a little surprise. Trying new positions, new settings, or even just a different kind of touch kept things playful.

One night, we tried a position we’d never done before. It was a total disaster — awkward angles and sore thighs. But we laughed so hard, we barely noticed. That, too, was intimacy.

Toys helped, too. Some were hits. Some were hilarious fails. But the act of exploring together? That was the real win.

Pro Tip: Choose one new thing to try — a toy, a sensation, a fantasy. Make it fun, not serious. Then talk about it after a glass of wine or pancakes.

Final Thoughts

Good sex isn’t about looking good while doing it. It’s about feeling good being you.

It’s about tenderness, laughter, asking for what you want, and letting go of what doesn’t serve you anymore. Whether you’re in a long-term relationship or figuring it out solo, pleasure is a path — not a finish line.

Your Turn

What haven’t you tried yet? What would feel brave to explore?

Say the thing. Light the candle. Buy the lube. Send the flirty text. Whatever your next step is — make it yours.

You deserve a sex life that’s tender, connected, curious, and real.
And guess what? It starts with you.